I celebrated 14 years clean this past April 2021. 14 years ago I didn’t think I would make it to thirty, shit I didn’t think I would make it another year. Yet here I am 14 years later married, with a great job, nice home, two dogs and a life I worked so hard to create.
I know what you are going through. I know the feeling of wanting to stop but not knowing how to. It’s not as easy as just stopping although you’ve probably had many people tell you that. Nobody will understand this unless they are recovered or going through the trenches of addiction right now.
You get high and swear it’s the last time. You have every good intention that it will be the last night. The next day you wake up and you remember what you said the night before. You want to stick to your promise, so you grit your teeth and head into work driving past your dealer's house. It’s going surprisingly well and you start to feel some hope, like this might actually be the day that starts the rest of your life. Then your boss comes in and gripes about something you did last week. You messed up but didn’t realize because you were high. You begin to feel the pressure building inside. The same narrative is played over and over in your head. You aren’t good enough. Why do you always screw up? Why can’t you just get it together?
It’s those thought patterns that will lead you back to your addiction, unless you start changing the narrative in your head. I used to think the same things about myself. I
think at some point in life most people have had the same thoughts.
Who you are at this very moment is good ENOUGH.
I know that you might be shaking your head and calling my bullshit, but in all honesty and I would never lie to you, you are enough at this very moment. Your addiction doesn’t make you a horrible person. Our addictions make us do horrible things. I want you to see there is a difference between the two. My addiction made me do things I never thought I would do. I’ll never forget the day my sister called me screaming and yelling at me. I had stolen her debit card and drained all her savings. I had taken roughly 600$. I am thankful to say that I have since repaid her. All of us addicts have done things we aren’t proud of. It’s easy to fall into the shame and guilt spiral but those thoughts only drive you deeper into your addiction. It’s a vicious cycle that you must fight with every ounce of your soul to break.
Recovery is not easy but it’s so damn worth it.
I used to believe that you had to hit rock bottom in order to finally see the light and to reach out for help. I hit rock bottom and it nearly cost me 23 years in prison, but you don’t have too. I don’t want you to go through what I did. I don’t want you to make the split decision to run from the cops, like I did. I don’t want you to experience the cold concrete floor of a jail cell in a suicide suit, like I did. That’s where I found myself in April of 2007. I was lying on the floor of a cell that had no bed, only a mat in the middle of the 8x8 cell. There was a metal toilet with an attached sink right next to the door that had about a 10x10 window for the guards to look in on me. I wish I could say this was my first time in jail, but it was more like my 5th or 6th. The only difference this time is I knew this would be my last trip to county jail. I told God that day that if he got me out of this situation I would never go back. I got out 32 days later and by the grace of God and a lot of hard work I have never set a foot inside the jail since.
Don’t wait until it’s too late. Now is your time.
I know it's hard to ask for help. I know the feeling of coming down and wanting to stop. Crying out to God that if he’s real take this addiction and pain away. You might not hear God clearly but I promise you if you pay attention he is giving you daily signs that he sees you and he loves you. One thing we have to remember is that God doesn’t make us sober. God gives us the strength and courage to get sober. You might not be a religious person but I want you to know that if you put your faith in a higher power your chances of recovery are much higher. Why? Because you are not alone and something greater and more powerful is watching over you and rooting for you to win each and every day. God wants you to feel how beautiful life really is and I want that for you as well.
Pick a higher power for yourself, whether you call him God, Goddess, Mother Earth or anything you hold spiritually to your heart.
Your life is just as important as the person next to you. Their life is no greater than yours even though their circumstances may be different. I promise that if you take the step today, right now and reach out for help your circumstances will change for the better. It doesn’t matter if you’re 16, 35 or 65. It’s never too late to turn things around. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been. It only matters where you go from here. Come with me on this Journey to Courage and recover from the pain that led you to addiction. You can heal. You can recover. I believe in you even when you might not believe in yourself.