I think that I got exactly what I had coming to me. I have always valued myself for having high moral standards. From July 2016 to July 2023 I lived for my marriage and for helping those around me. I'm not saying that before 2016 I was a horrible person but what I am saying is something magical happens when you go from girlfriend to wife. The woman that was born out of my marriage was kinder, softer, more gentle, more fiercely protective of her growing family and wildly in love with all things life. Marriage brought out a love I didn’t know I had and it made love before this seem so very small. This is why as of September 17, 2024 I’m writing to all of you in hopes that you won't make the same mistakes that I made.
The love I once felt and shared has turned to nothing but a mirage of past feelings. I squint my eyes tightly trying to peer through the haze. Nothing but blurred lines. I rub my eyes vigorously praying that when I open them everything will have been just a bad dream. It will be October 2020 and my husband and I are just passing over the South Carolina border into North Carolina. Heading to Asheville for my birthday weekend. This trip actually happened and it was by far the best birthday I have ever had, hands down. But back to the sad reality of life smacking you in the face when you most deserve it. I betrayed our love, friendship and commitment. I gave up and checked out of our marriage and for the first time in our entire marriage I began to think of divorce. Divorce can be a very scary thing especially when you have been with someone for nearly 16 years by this point. I was terrified to leave. I had quit trying to talk about our relationship and figure out ways to save us. I was done and the honorable thing to have done would have been to sit him down and tell him exactly where I stood in our relationship. That probably could have saved us. He did his thing and I did mine and eventually that led me astray and I committed the ultimate sin. I had an affair and then left for the other man. I was blinded by new feelings. I was blinded by passion.
I'm going to fast forward through the nitty gritty because we all know how this turns out. It ended with me divorced and alone. But back to what I said in the beginning, I'm getting what I deserve. This past year life smacked me in the face so hard that when I fell it asked me if I was sure I wanted to get back up. My back surgery was God awful and at times I thought the physical pain would kill me. Then came the heart ache where I cried for days and days and nothing seemed to bring a smile to my once jubilant face. After the heartache began to fade new symptoms started popping up into my life. I used to be so energetic and could work circles around people and this was even after waking up at 3am to workout before work. I slowly began to grind down and I couldn’t figure out why I was walking around like I was dragging cinder blocks from my legs. With every step I took it felt like life was being drained from my body. I began to fall asleep driving home from work. I found myself waking up from 8 hrs sleep and still feeling like I needed 10 more. Then came the hot flashes. The hot flashes were very sporadic over the past year, so I didn’t put much thought into them. But now the hot flashes were multiple times a day and they got to the point where they were every 30 minutes like clock work. I couldn’t take it. One minute I was profusely sweating and the next shivering like it was minus 10 degrees. The next symptom that showed its ugly face was a depression like I had never felt before. This depression didn’t come from one singular event. I couldn’t explain why I felt so down and hopeless but this depression I just knew that it was going to kill me. The very last symptom that got me to finally say maybe something is very wrong is I began to gain weight even though I hadn’t done anything different. I was still fasting every single day. I was still getting up early to workout and I still had a physical job, not to mention it’s been summer and hot as hell here in the south. I went from a solid 140lbs to 158lbs. My face is swollen like I ate a plate of salt and washed it down with beach water. Everything about my body is puffy. My stomach is bloated daily and my ass can’t fit into any of my summer clothes anymore.
Thank God I saved some pants that had gotten a little too big for me over the 2023 year. Those pants used to fit loose and baggy even as skinny jeans. Now they just barely button and it looks like my ass has its own meal schedule. My body felt like it was shutting down on me. At times I want to say why me but then I know better than to say some shit like that. Of course it's me. This is what I get for destroying my moral character for a moment of joy and passion. This is what I get for hurting someone so badly when none of it needed to happen and most of all my husband did nothing to deserve what I did to him. I was cruel and selfish. I was childish and amoral. God chose to punish me or at least that's what I think is happening to me. I don’t blame God for punishing me. Or maybe this is all the handy work of the Devil. A soft whisper in my ear nudging me one direction or the other. Me, to blind to see the outcome even though it's plain to see now after the fact. Maybe all of this is to bring me back to the real Emily. The Emily that always puts others first before her own needs.
I made my way to the Gynecologist because on top of all the other symptoms I started having more and more cramping like I was about to start my period. I don’t get those anymore. Not since 2019 when I had my hysterectomy. Turns out I am in full blown menopause and a small solid “structure” was found on my left ovary during the ultrasound. Well I’ll be damned. Menopause at 38. Tumor on my ovary. Maybe God is taking this a little too far. I’ve felt that at times. I’ve felt angry at all the things I’ve had to endure in my life, but I heard someone say that our decisions create our outcomes. So basically everything I’ve ever done in my life has led me straight to this point. Here, at my desk, I'm writing this letter to you. To the person who needs to read about someone else going through some majorly hard shit and to realize that I haven’t given up yet so they shouldn’t either. I wanted to give up many times. But I kept pushing forward because I heard another quote “this too shall pass” and “this won’t last forever” I kept believing that these things were true. All this bad shit will pass. I just need to hang on for the ride and catch the wisdom that’s being shown to me through my pain, struggle and desire to keep fighting for another day.
The wisdom is there. Don’t miss all the signs like I did. Don’t miss all the chances at learning like I did. Most importantly if you don’t have to learn this the hard way, congratulations! You are living life right and in the glory of God himself. Some of us need a little help to see and accept his guidance. I can tell you now I'm more perceptive when God is speaking to me. I have slowed down so I can decipher his voice through the noise and chaos. I don’t know if I have Ovarian Cancer, but one thing I do know is that Ovarian Cancer won’t scare me from living life the way God wants me to. Without fear and with Love. You don’t know what tomorrow brings but you do have influence over the majority of your life. Will you live like I did in 2023 and watch your world slowly start to crumble all around you or will you choose to learn from the mistakes of my past year and build a life that is solid in love, kindness, humility, joy, passion, honesty and for God himself? If you have learned all this the hard way please give yourself grace and forgiveness. You must truly forgive yourself for your past doings in order to move on. Grace is for growing through the forgiveness journey and finding true peace with who you are, who you were and who God wants you to be.
Shine Bright,
Emily
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