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2020 the year of chaos and destruction in America, but not for me.

I want to ask you all a question and I want you to think about it for a minute.

How are you doing with everything that is going on in your life?

In December 2019 I had a hysterectomy that I thought I had fully mentally prepared for. I had suffered with endometriosis since I was 14 and I finally said enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore. My husband and I decided in the beginning of 2019 that we would try for a baby. You know how that goes. There is so much pressure to get pregnant that the beauty of sex is completely lost. It became laborious and a chore. Needless to say sex was no longer fun. The excitement of getting pregnant began to fade as the negative pregnancy test began to pile up. Each month I would pull a test out, pee in a cup, dip the tip and then wait the longest 3 minutes of my life. Every test I swore I would see a faint line. I would turn the flashlight app on my phone on and then move room to room swearing I needed more light. I would take it outside, hold it in the air and move around trying to find the best lighting. We all know what happened next. I broke into the test to get a better look, that’s not crazy because I’m pretty sure it says to do it somewhere in the instruction manual. Right?

I think that most women desire to become a mother at some point in their life. While not all want to and that’s 100% ok, I’m not one of those women. I’ve wanted kids since I was a little girl. I love to love and nurture. My heart is a caring heart and the thought of not being able to have my own children some days is really heartbreaking. Before you start telling me I can adopt don’t you fret your big heart. My husband and I already have plans in the future to welcome a child that can handle all the love we have to give.

January 2020 I started to see some light. I was getting my happiness back and most of all I was no longer in the most horrendous pain ever. If you have endometriosis I feel for you. Some women have no pain at all and infertility, some have so much pain they can’t get through a month without a trip to the ER and pain pills. I was the latter. The weeks of recovery went by and I had forgotten to cancel my period app when I got the notification my period was about to start. For a brief moment old habits kicked in and I began to take my 800mg Ibuprofen when I stopped myself, I remembered I didn’t have a uterus anymore. The realization was strange but in all honesty it was relieving. I put the pill back in the bottle and put the bottle back in the cabinet. I haven’t taken an 800mg Ibuprofen since December 2019. This is the first dream I achieved in 2020. I no longer have periods or pain!

I just knew that 2020 was going to be the best year ever. I felt it in my bones. I was finally going to take action in my life. I was finally going to start working towards all my dreams. I was going to make shit happen in 2020. I’m pretty sure you all thought the same way too. I mean we can’t not see the sign in 2020 like 20/20 vision. To see clearly and perfectly. At least that is how I viewed this year. This was going to be the year of clarity and transformation. None of us knew we were about to be thrown a curveball.

What plans did you have for 2020?

I remember the first time I heard about Covid-19. I saw something on Google and thought it was fake news. A few weeks later I began to see much more news about it and before I knew it the President banned travel to and from China. I’m going to say it now so we can get it out of the way. I love our President and I think he has done an amazing job in the three years he’s been in office. I suppose many of you are about to click off this post, but if you can find it in you to stick around you will see that I am not a white supremist, racist or bad person. Our political views may be different but that shouldn’t stop us from having conversations that are much needed. With the latter sentence you know I’m not just talking about Covid anymore. Yes, the awful death of George Floyd also happened this year. What kicked up after his death would take this country on a path of destruction I don’t think many people have seen in a long time and for some of us we have never seen or could even imagine Americans could act this way.

Have you ever watched the news and seen horrible riots that are happening in other countries? What did you think when you saw it? I know what I thought. Thank God there are not people in this country who act this way. I really believed that no American could or would ever act out in such violence as what I am seeing today. I have never witnessed so much anger and hatred towards one group of people in my life. I feel at some points we have gone back in time. We are regressing when we should be progressing! Do you live in a city that has rioting and looting? I have a family friend who was in our downtown area at dinner when a group of BLM busted in the windows and began shouting at everyone. You can only imagine how terrifying that must have been. We had many stores that were set on fire. One of the most famous streets in our town was taken over and stores had their windows busted in and BLM took anything and everything they wanted.

Did you take part in the chaos and destruction that has been happening across our country?

I am married to the most kind, honest, caring and brave man I know. He puts everyone before himself even if it’s to his own detriment. He will come if you call and will give you the last dollar in his wallet. He makes me laugh when I’ve had a bad day and runs my bath when he knows I’m needing some quiet time. He’s also a police officer. He’s not just an ordinary cop who pulls you over when you speed or when you run through a red light. You know those monsters that hurt children, beat their wives, kill people, traffic women and children? My husband is the man that catches those monsters. Without police like my husband who do you think is going to go out there and hunt these predators down? You? Me? I don’t think so. I don’t have the bravery to face, let alone catch a person that has killed someone. When the news came out about George Floyd my husband was furious. He told me everything that those cops did wrong in that situation. He didn’t try to defend them or their actions. My husband shares the same feelings along with every other cop in America and in the world. What happened to George Floyd never should have happened.

I want to make something else very clear. George Floyd’s death had nothing to do with the color of his skin. I’m not here to say that racism doesn’t exist, but just because a black man dies at the hand of a white police officer doesn’t make it a race issue. The media has done a really good job over the years of only showing incidents with black men and white cops. Don’t you think that is odd? That would mean that there would only be black men in prison, right? Let me just tell you, that is false! Cops have interactions with every race and every gender each and every day. Most interactions go as well as we can expect. Most people do what they are told when an officer asks them to do something. You are speeding and the dreaded blue lights appear in your rearview mirror and the awful loud siren begins to bang. You, like most people pull over and take either the ticket or warning with respect and go about your day. Then there are those who decide to make an already uneasy situation dangerous. Do you see how these situations can end very differently?

My husband goes to work every day not knowing whether or not he is going to be coming home. When I haven’t heard from him in a few hours I begin to worry, but there is a saying no news is good news. If I haven’t heard from him in a few hours and a strange number calls me my heart begins to pound. I don’t want to answer in fear that it is another officer calling to tell me something awful has happened to my husband. Thank God I’ve never had one of these phone calls, but sadly many mothers, wives, husbands and fathers have gotten this type of phone call or knock on their door. The important thing to remember is that cops are people just like you and me. Not all cops are good and not all cops are bad. They make mistakes, because they are human. Lets not vilify all cops for the poor decision of one.

How do you treat a police officer when you get pulled over?

It has been a trying time for everyone. We have been pushed to our limits emotionally and it has broken some and for others it has made them stronger. I would say 2020 has made me stronger as a person and a woman. I have found my voice in areas where I have never spoken out about. For instance I have never been one to speak out about politics because I never cared for it or even bothered to understand it. But this year I realized I needed to start understanding because what happens in politics directly affects me and my family. If you know anything about me you know that I can’t vote. I lost that opportunity many years ago when I decided to break the law. Which brings me to another point. I have not committed a crime in 13 years and I think that I should have the right to vote. It is unfair to say I will never be able to vote again because I have a felony. There needs to be a new law put in place for people who have gone at least 10 years with no criminal activity or run-ins with the law. I deserve to have my voice heard and so do many others with prior criminal convictions.

As I said earlier I love our President. I truly believe that President Trump has done an amazing job. I like him! I like that he’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind and stand up for what he believes. Yeah there are times when I’m like “What the hell did he just say?” Sometimes he says things that are a little cringy, but guess what? He’s human! What I’ve noticed is that most people on the left have allowed their emotions to control their thoughts of President Trump. I’m sorry but I have to tell you that your feelings don’t belong in this fight. We need a President that is not afraid to stand up to other leaders and show them that we are not weak and that we are the strongest country in the world. President Trump exemplifies a strong leader through his unwavering stance against the constant attack from the left.

President Trump signed the first major tax reform in 30 years, nearly doubled the standard deduction for Americans, doubled the child tax credit to an additional 1000$ per child and we are just getting started. When it comes to jobs in America under President Trump there have been 6 million new jobs created! Isn’t that amazing? The manufacturing industry has created nearly half a million new jobs and the construction industry has created over 625,ooo new jobs. These jobs mean the most to me. As someone who doesn’t have a college degree or even a highschool diploma these types of jobs were jobs that I could more easily go into.

It’s the construction industry that built our beautiful country. Without brick masons, landscapers, electricians, carpenters, plumbers, asphalt workers, dump truck drivers and so much more we wouldn’t have the beautiful cities we have or the cozy homes that keep us safe at night. These jobs are filled with men and women like me who either didn’t have the desire to go to college or the means to and felt more drawn to a career that allowed them to work with their hands. This is middle class America. We work tirelessly to support our families and hope to put enough money away to retire to a well lived life. I could run down the list of all the amazing things our President has done but I think you would get tired of reading that!

What do you think of our President?

In years past I’ve said I was going to start something and I would, but within a few short months or weeks my drive and energy for it would fade into the background. This year that hasn’t happened. I’m tired of letting myself down. All the times I started something and stopped I ultimately felt like a failure and it’s that kind of thinking that has always held me back from going after my dreams. Once I started to push that negativity out of my mind and realized that I am not a failure miracles began to happen. It really is as easy as changing our thought patterns and beliefs. A thought is just a thought, it’s you who puts the belief in it. If you don’t believe your thoughts it’s easy to change the way you are thinking about any one thing. I’m not saying that any of this is easy because it sure took me a good while before it came naturally to me, but boy is it worth it. This is the second dream I achieved in 2020.

Do you allow your thoughts to hold you back from achieving your dreams?

Were you one of the millions of people that was terrified of gaining weight during quarantine? When our government told us we would have to stay home for two weeks the first thing I began to see in my IG feed were people panicking about weight gain or stalling on their weight loss efforts. I’m not saying it’s not ok to want to lose weight, but for that to be someone's main concern sounds a little crazy to me. I’ve spent the past two years recovering from my eating disorder, exercise bulimia and negative body image. I am thankful that in 2020 I am completely healed from all of it. I can’t even imagine had I been still going through any of it. I was fortunate enough to never have to quarantine.

Being a landscaper we never stopped working. Our jobs were deemed safe since we worked outside. I was very fortunate to keep my job and I continue to count my blessings because many Americans lost their jobs and in some states they still haven’t completely opened back up and there are still people without work.

2020 has been the year of falling in love with myself and my body. I can honestly say that I am in love with my body for the first time in my life. I love every curve, scar, dimple, stretch mark and freckle. In the beginning of my healing journey it was critical that I stop going to the gym until I could no longer associate the gym with weight loss. That was in the beginning of 2019 and I didn’t go back until February 2020. I have gone to the gym roughly ten times so far this year. I have always loved to be active and to just stop moving my body has never been an option. I decided to think like a child and bring back activities I did when I was younger. I dug deep into my closet for the rollerblades I bought roughly five years ago and I wiped down my bike to clear it of all the cobwebs. Sliding my feet into my rollerblades brought back so many wonderful memories. My friend and I used to take the Carta bus downtown and rollerblade through the city market zig zagging through the thick crowds while adults screamed at us NO ROLLERBLADING! We would laugh and skate faster and faster having the time of our lives.

Rollerblading for the first time in many years I’ve nearly fallen a time or two and once nearly got hit by a car as my husband screamed at me to stop from his bike a few feet behind me. I was in the zone and like a kid I assumed the car would stop. Thankfully he did stop or I would be laid up in bed with a few broken bones. After dinner I’ve gone for a night time bike ride to the neighborhood just a few blocks away. Their roads are freshly paved, lawns are manicured and being that it’s October the home owners have decorated for Halloween. I have to say it’s like riding my bike through a light and display show. There are giant spiders crawling across lawns, 10ft tall black cats with red eyes and life size ghosts floating in the trees. I can honestly say I felt like a kid again.

Weight loss hasn’t been a part of my vocabulary for a long time now. I am enjoying this newly found freedom with my body. I am allowing it to do what it wants. Eat what it wants and look like it wants. I can tell you that my body has never looked this healthy in my entire life. People have seen pictures from when I was bodybuilding and it’s always “Oh my God you look so good!” Having a six pack means nothing when it comes to healthy or happy because I was neither healthy or happy when I had mine. I was dying inside. I was miserable and depressed. I felt so much pressure to keep up my appearance. Every morning I would wake up and check the diameter of my wrist to make sure my fingers could wrap around and touch. That’s not healthy.

I have food freedom and movement freedom. My hormones have finally regulated themselves from years of dietary abuse. There is a term called set point that is used for a person's weight. It’s the idea that every person has an ideal body weight for their particular body and for years I was manipulating mine. I believe I am finally at my weight set point. I do not have to watch what I eat or exercise for hours to maintain my size. I eat a lot of really good food that makes me feel good and have lots of energy, but I also allow myself to enjoy my favorite, SOUR CANDY! This is the third dream I achieved thus far in 2020.

How is your relationship with your body?

There are only two months left in this year. That’s roughly sixty days that I have to achieve more of my goals and dreams in 2020. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing can stop me. I am stepping into my own power. The power of my mind. You have every ability to achieve anything and everything you desire. Don’t allow negative outside forces to stop you or to impede your progress. This year has been challenging for all, but don’t let it break you. Rise above the chaos and make 2020 your bitch.

Dare to dream big and shine bright,


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